


a longing.

by WonMyNihilist



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M, Toxic Relationship, Vampire AU, domestic AU, double b briefly, i’m surprised at what i wrote jfc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 07:40:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12700392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WonMyNihilist/pseuds/WonMyNihilist
Summary: Jinhwan and June are boyfriends and live under the same roof, but fight a lot and often ‘take breaks’. But they’ll always find their way back to each other.. Until one day Jinhwan doesn’t come back.





	a longing.

**Author's Note:**

> it wasn’t supposed to be so long ?? (relative bc i love long fics) but uHM enjoy uwu
> 
> helpful plot bc i needed a lil help http://plotsforall.tumblr.com/post/86604122001/plot-41-bad-blood-muse-a-and-muse-b-have-had-a

Sometimes it was the big things like not paying enough attention, staying out too late and holding grudges that were mended ages ago. Sometimes it was the small things like leaving the dirty laundry on the floor, eating the other’s food and being way too loud. 

There were times where all those small things would simply add up and be the cause of a burst. It was always hot and heavy, and too much to handle. It wasn’t their favorite thing to do, but every time they walked out from each other, they’d always find their way back. It was toxic and everybody knew it.

He would always think about it whenever he went to the bar to cool down, or when he was alone at work and there was no one to talk to. He worried about their future together, but he knew he loved Jinhwan too much to just let go. “That’s too irresponsible.” He convinced himself that these bad days will pass and there will be good days to come. He believed it dearly.

As he came back home, he found his lover sitting on the couch watching television with a bowl of cereal. It was eight at night on a Tuesday, and this was what he chose to eat. He sighed as he walked in, kicked his shoes off and put his keys in the porcelain green bowl right below the wall mirror. He looked terrible.

“Babe, i’m home.” He announced himself as he headed right for the kitchen. Jinhwan hadn’t cooked for him or himself in a long time, deeming it too much work. June wasn’t upset about it, but maybe waiting for him to come home and eat with him on the table once in a while wouldn’t harm anything.

Once he got a hold of a packet of instant ramen, he called out to ask if Jinhwan wanted some of his own. He didn’t receive a response earlier, but he did get a late reply this time of ‘yes’. June smiled softly and put some water to a boil. He stared at it for the longest time and almost didn’t realize the water starting to ease itself out. Jinhwan reached out to turn the temperature down as he rubbed his shoulder in a comforting way. 

“Go sit. I’ll make this.” June smiled at him and gave him a peck on the cheek before lazily dragging himself to the sofa. He figured that he should wash up in the meantime. He felt groggy and gross. His job involved inside work, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t exhausted regardless. So he relaxed his body against the sofa and promised himself that he would wash up after eating.

Maybe he dozed off, and by the look on Jinhwan’s face, he probably did. The noodles were still relatively warm and the room was pitch black excluding the light from the television. He took a few moments to get himself to sit upright before slowly self-serving noodles onto a plate straight from the pot. “Thank you, Nani. I was really tired.”

Jinhwan finished his portion right then, and he knew that look of contemplation. “It’s okay. I added a couple eggs in there, so i hope it’s good.” He eyed the pot, and June barely even took his first bite when he chuckled in amusement and gestures for his boyfriend to help himself.

The television became a blur even though he was trying to pay attention to the storyline. It was something about discovering an alien planet, and he was wondering how plain their lives had to be to be only a small percentage interested in that stuff. Given, Jinhwan seemed to enjoy it, so that’ll have to slide. It didn’t take long for June to doze off again.

Morning felt like a headache caused by a hangover, and he didn’t even drink. At least not the night before. June felt absolutely wasted, but the sight of his lover sleeping beside him on the sofa with a blanket shared between them made him love life. Even the tiniest things that happen between them get lost in an array of arguments. He hated it, and he wanted to remember these moments the most.

He saw that the pot was still on the table, so he slowly got up and decided to do the dishes. They never had wall clocks because they weren’t really home enough to need one. The only clock they ever needed was their phones’, but at the moment, he didn’t know where his was. He didn’t really care too much though because the sun had barely risen, so he was safe. 

It was nine by the time Jinhwan woke up and June was heading out. Sometimes they would end up missing each other like this and they couldn’t really help it. He didn’t want Jinhwan to lose out on much needed sleep just because he wanted a goodbye kiss. So one-sided farewells would have to do.

On his way to work, the streets seemed to be filled with more people than there were people walking. He saw the traffic jams at multiple intersections and passed them without a second thought. It was odd to see so many people without coats or jackets in the middle of Autumn either.

As soon as he got to work, he headed straight for the canteen to find a cup of coffee. He had one before he left, but he really needed another one to keep his momentum going just a bit longer. “Good morning, June.” A co-worker, Jisung, greeted him and he reciprocated with a smile. That was when he begun to hear the office pick up.. on noise. Frankly, it gave him a headache every time.

“Hey, did you see the news?” Another co-worker, Jieun, came in such a panic. She was probably trying to talk to Jisung, but manners got the best of her and she tried to pull him into the conversation as well. “There had been a murder a few blocks away. The witnesses say he saw bite marks on the victim’s body, but police are trying to cover it up.” Jisung was wide-eyed and shaking. He always believed in these creatures called ‘vampires’, but it was really strange how no one ever saw them before.

“Don’t believe in fairytales, Jieun.” June reached up to touch her shoulder in a friendly manner. “It was a murder. The witness probably got scared and saw something that wasn’t even there.” Jisung quickly shook his head in protest at the blind belief of the supernatural. June rolled his eyes in response and heard the last bit of what Jisung wanted to say before skipping off to his cubicle.

On his break, he looked through his social media accounts to find several reports of said ‘vampire’. Honestly, he couldn’t care less about it and was about to click off when a friend direct messaged him.

From Hanbin  
*Link to a hotel in Australia*  
Do you think Jiwon and i should go here for our anniversary?

June suddenly remembered that anniversaries exist. He hadn’t celebrated one since their first year, because how could you possibly record the amount of times they were on and off. Frankly, they gave up on anniversaries. But it was times like these when he wished for normal.

To Hanbin  
Isn’t this YOUR anniversary? Go ask Jiwon!

June finally clicked on the given link and was immediately presented with a slideshow of the bedrooms themselves and views from said bedrooms. It was gorgeous and looked very relaxing. He knew it’d be expensive though. That was another thing he just couldn’t handle.

From Hanbin  
:((((

From Hanbin  
But i wanna surprise him!!! He’s been so stressed with work lately..

From Hanbin  
I just wanna do smth nice for himmm uwu

“Remembering and celebrating your anniversary alone is nice of you, dumbass.” He whispered to himself as he crossed his arms and leaned against his chair. He logged out of the account and stared at the ceiling for a while simply clearing his mind, if that were ever possible. A couple co-workers stopped by to invite him for lunch, but he kindly declined. He got back to work shortly after.

His phone rang to its end as soon as he stepped out of the office and found several unread messages from Jinhwan. He didn’t even realize that he was being texted or even called throughout the day. From the various messages, it didn’t look urgent, but that didn’t mean it was not important either. He quickly called back as he began walking down the sidewalk.

He shoved his free hand into the pockets of his jeans as it was getting fairly cold. “June! Why didn’t you pick up when i called?” He parted his quickly drying lips only to be closed abruptly. “Forget it. See you at home.” The line ended just as abruptly as it began, which left June disgruntled. It wasn’t the first time this happened, and it surely wouldn’t be their last.

Since he hadn’t eaten all day, he decided to pick up some turkey sandwiches on his way back. He put off eating until he got back home, which he wasn’t entirely fond of at the moment. However, it did give him a chance to walk a little slower than usual. The street lights weren’t as dim as he remembered, but there was quite the difference in population now. There was barely anyone walking.

June kept his head low the rest of the way home as to not attract attention to himself. The last thing he needed was to be caught up in someone else’s business. And thankfully, it worked out well because the next thing he knew, he was turning the knob to the apartment. It still smelled a bit like burnt pasta from many weeks ago.

“Nani? You home?” As always, he put the keys in the porcelain green bowl and motioned further inside. He didn’t see the television on and he wasn’t found anywhere in the living room or kitchen. Bathroom was quickly checked off the list, so that only left the bedroom. “Babe? Are you there?”

As soon as he walked inside, the sight of the laptop’s screen shining onto his boyfriend’s face made him ease up. He fell asleep while working on a report. June didn’t snoop and simply saved whatever work was there, then turned the laptop off. He put it on the side table before tucking Jinhwan in properly. He left a soft kiss to his temple before going off to wash up.

A whole week went by and wishing for the weekend to come sooner was a continuous disappointment. He stared at the calendar on his phone for a good while trying to think of why he found the date in particular so familiar. There must have been some sort of special event that took place on that day, but he couldn’t remember.

-

“I don’t care, June!” He screamed so loud that the neighbors were fully aware of their argument. It was common for walls and floorboards to be thin, and their relationship was possibly someone else’s regularly scheduled programming. “I’ve.. WE have gone through this so many times. We should just..”

June waited for the next words to come out. He was afraid of what he was thinking. He prayed that it wouldn’t be said in any instance, even in this heated moment. But nothing came out of him to stop it. He was mute and he felt like his throat was on fire. His heart was because it was already bleeding out. The look on Jinhwan’s face told him that he was thinking of the same thing. “Don’t you dare say it-“

“Say what, huh?! You wanna break up?!” He got in his face even harder, and maybe the words themselves stung even harder than the delivery itself. He couldn’t bare to look Jinhwan in the eye and give him reason not to. He knew he messed up, and it happened before. He couldn’t promise for a better tomorrow because he always lived in the present. Maybe deep down, he waited for this moment to come. It came so close so many times before.

“You’re all talk. You’re gonna come crawling back anyway.” The words left him before it went through a filter. He barely realized what he had said, even after the tears that rolled down Jinhwan’s cheek. He wasn’t thinking straight and his entire body was heated. June didn’t move nor did he have the guts to keep talking. 

“Good to know.” It came to him like a true wrecking ball. The moment Jinhwan turned his back towards him, his heart was about to leap out of his chest. The last chance of salvation was graciously given when Jinhwan took that second to look back, but June failed to grab it by the horns and take charge. Jinhwan was gone.

June swallowed and struggled for though, let alone words. His knees soon met with the floor and nothing about this whole night was right. Part of him kept saying that Jinhwan is a bluff and he’s going to come back in the morning, or by weekend’s end. It happened before, but this time, he was far more breathless and feeling twice the amount of heartbreak. 

He clutched his chest, and he knew his heart wasn’t there. His ribcage was protecting nothing because Jinhwan left with it. He hurt his only love and he can only hope that he will come back soon.

Work was hell, and even more so with the dread eating him to the core. He wanted to call Jinhwan every minute of every day, but he had to trust that things will come out okay. He was struggling to focus when all he had to do was check a spreadsheet. It had usually taken him half an hour, hour at most, but time was stretching onto its third hour. June pressed enter and counted that he hadn’t even gotten halfway through.

With an intense groan, he slammed his head against the keyboard. The computer made an error sound, which caused him to stir in his seat. “Do you need some help?” Jieun, holding out a cup of coffee, was only a few feet away from him. She was smiling in that concerning way and June couldn’t do anything more than accept the hot beverage with thanks. It wasn’t alcohol, but it was caffeine, so it was good enough for now.

“I really can’t focus right now. My brain is malfunctioning.” June took a long drag at the coffee and carelessly wiped his mouth with the back of his hoodie. He sighed out upon realization and put the cup down on his desk. “It’s been almost a week and not even a text. I swear he took his phone when he left.” Jieun came closer and started rubbing his shoulders, which made him tense up in alarm. 

“I’m trying to relax you, not cause a scandal.” She stated in a jokingly manner. June wasn’t interested in whatever he wanted to do and kept his head down for the most part. “It sounded like an intense fight. He loves you. He’ll definitely come back.” 

June closed his eyes and slammed the side of his head against the keyboard. “I really hope so.”

Days turned into weeks, and suddenly it was seven months since the fight. June wasn’t moved on, but several of his friends kept telling him to. He didn’t even want to consider it, though. He knew he was at fault and the guilt was eating him alive.

June eased some of his pain by relocating a lot of Jinhwan’s things into some boxes. He would send them to storage lockers, but end up putting them back where he found them. He wasn’t strong enough to let even the memory of the man he loved disappear.

The very action of putting clothes and other belongings into boxes took ages to accomplish, and would often times lead to him sleeping on the floor surrounded by all of his things. He felt like trash and probably looked like it every time he came out of these ‘sessions’.

“June, go to Australia.” He opened his eyes and took a moment to get his eyes to working properly. It was Hanbin, and he looked better than ever. It looked like he simply walked in without thinking as he still had his shoes and coat on. He was looking around the room in the time it took June to answer the man before he sat upright and begun to cough from the dust that enveloped around him. “This is like the third time, you’ve done this. Let me put it in storage for you. That way you don’t have the passkey.” Hanbin put a hand on his shoulder and the look on his face seemed full of worry.

June shrugged him off and started to stand up on his own. He almost fell if it wasn’t for Hanbin holding him up. “I’m okay.” He left his bedroom and headed straight for the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. He chugged it down in an instant, as if he had been without water for over a week. He was panting.

“I’m seriously going to throw you into a mental asylum if you keep doing this.” Hanbin finally took his coat off and put it on the edge of the coach before he plopped down on it as if it were his own apartment. “You’re not going anywhere, June. You gotta relax, at least.” Hanbin kept talking and nagging at him for not sleeping on the bed, or at all for that matter. Frankly, the words went in one ear and out the other.

-

The doorbell rang, then the door was knocked. June sighed and quickly got out of the shower and put on something decent along with a small towel crowned carelessly. “I’m coming!” He exclaimed from his bedroom as he rushed to throw on his shorts and a new shirt from the closet, for once.

As soon as he got to the door, he didn’t have time to peak through the peephole and simply opened the door. There stood the same petite figure he used to hold so dearly. His dark hair turned golden and his build was much tougher. He looked fairly the same, but also kind of different in a strange way.

June barely got anything out and he was starting to think that Jinhwan put some spell on him to be speechless in his presence. “Hey, June..” The very sound of his voice was music to his ears, much less the call of his name passed those luscious lips. His head was in a tailspin and he had no clue what to do.

“M-May i come in?” Jinhwan was even more reserved now. He wasn’t awkward, but it felt all too foreign to him. This apartment used to be their home for two years. They shared this apartment through thick and thin, and especially their fallouts. But now.. It had been over a year since that night he walked out. June still had nightmares about it that he’d wake up crying about. 

He nodded and stepped aside to let the other in. It felt strange to see him again after so long. They had never been apart for this long and June was definitely not prepared for this encounter. He knew he wanted Jinhwan back, and to apologize for everything he had said. But maybe this wasn’t the right time. Jinhwan came for a reason, so he should hear him out first. “Uhm.. How have you been doing?”

Jinhwan looked up at him with sad eyes, but they were darker than they used to be. He gestured the man to have a seat as he sat opposite, and maybe it was a bit further than he would’ve liked. “June..” He started, and June felt like he was about to cry. 

“Where have you been?!” He exclaimed in an instant as he tried fighting back tears. “You left everything! You left your stuff, you left this apartment, you left.. me.” His voice dimmed by the progression of his words and he quickly turned towards the floor in front of him. He closed his eyes and let the tears roll down his cheeks in a silent struggle. “Over a year, Jinhwan ー It’s been over a year. No word from you whatsoever. You were gone like smoke.” 

“How was i supposed to ー I can’t believe you actually left.. That wasn’t supposed to happen. It was never supposed to happen.” He spat it all out without even batting an eye at Jinhwan; he wasn’t strong enough to. In fact, he thought that he was seeing things. He thought that he was hallucinating and when he looked back, he’ll be gone again.

The next thing he knew, a hand touched his shoulder and he flinched. His hand was cold, but still as small as he recalled. He would hold his hands during Winter or rain and Jinhwan would say he was warm. These weren’t the hands he remembered, and he was afraid to look.

“June.. I’m really sorry for leaving you, especially like that.” The same hand started rubbing down his back in that soothing kind of way that would leave nothing but comfort. “I feel horrible for doing that to you.” More tears fell down his cheeks as he was quickly reminded of that very night.

Maybe they never left the living room for a whole night. It might have only been a few minutes between them. They were getting all their feelings out that had accumulated through the year they had been apart. No matter what, June wasn’t going to let it all fall apart again. He was deadlocked on making everything right.

-

“June, i have something to tell you.” Jinhwan sat him down on the edge of the bed and sat right beside him. “I need to be honest with you.” Those words caused spikes up and down his back, and he was immediately thinking of worse case scenarios. In the year Jinhwan was away, he grew to become more sensitive and, to his dismay, had a higher tendency to overthink.

“W-What is it?” June started fidgeting with the ends of his sweater to the point of thread being pulled out.

“That night i left.. I went straight downstairs and sat there for hours. It was far too late by then and i was tired. So i decided to just go to a hotel nearby.” He felt terrible for what happened, and what hardships Jinhwan probably had to go through all this time. “I-I would’ve slept at the hotel that night and came back in the morning, or afternoon. That was my unofficial plan.” He started to stutter himself, so he got closer to the other and took a hold of his hand. They were cold, but he would warm them up. June was going to make sure he wasn’t cold anymore. “But i was attacked by a.. vampire before i even got the chance to see the hotel. I..” June jumped back in surprise and ended up standing up the straightest he had ever been.

“I don’t believe that. Vampires aren’t real, Jinhwan. Someone might have attacked you, but that-“ Jinhwan looked at him, and maybe he was sincere about what he was saying. It was awful and outright ridiculous, but why would he have to lie to him?

In an instant, Jinhwan opened his mouth and licked his teeth. He would be lying if he said he didn’t find it creepy. But then they came out. Sharp edges that was typical associated with murder. June quickly backed up against the headboard. “J-Jinhwan. If that’s even you- I’m really sorry. It’s all my fault. I’m so sorry-“

Jinhwan immediately closed his mouth and got off the bed. He stood against the wall as he covered his mouth, and even through the fear he had of his own, the fear in Jinhwan’s eyes was as clear as day. “No, i’m sorry. I should’ve just stayed away. I’m so sorry for scaring you.” Jinhwan started to head for the door, and he was fast. June would normally be able to beat him to it before, but it was tricky this time since he was already by the front door.

“Nani! Don’t go!” Jinhwan stopped in his tracks and slowly dropped his hand off the door handle. He wasn’t going to lose him again, even if he really was a vampire. “Please..”

After a good long silence between them and a bottle of wine shared between them, June was a little more calm. He stared at his wine glass as Jinhwan begin talking. He started explaining more about what happened that night, and despite being incapable of really crying, June knew he was. He wasn’t going to say he wished it was him because it had already happened and he couldn’t control time.

“I wanted to control.. myself.. before i came back. I’m so sorry, June..” He got quiet. The whole room was a torture chamber with no sound coming in or out. He stared at Jinhwan for a while and he noticed that he couldn’t blink anymore. He swallowed and licked his lips as he considered his next words.

“Where are you staying?” He asked in a panic and maybe he wasn’t all that scared. Jinhwan looked up at him again and he felt like he would let the world crumble around him just to hold his hands. “You can stay here. You must’ve been lonely, too.” And for the first time in such a long time, he saw an angel smile. Jinhwan nodded shyly and gestured “Okay.. Thanks.”

The night went on, and part of him figured that Jinhwan was only acting drunk. He was usually very clingy and talked about how puppies needed more justice. However, what really happened was that Jinhwan was slurring his words as he spoke about how bad he treated June and that the time away really changed him, beyond the whole ‘transformation’. June chose not to respond, because he wanted to say all those things back.

Days came and gone, and things were slowly getting back to normal. Normal was relative, but he was guessing that this was how it was supposed to be. He was waking up with Jinhwan beside him and coming home to him watching television or working on a paper. He wasn’t always cheery and full of enthusiasm, but the fact that they were each other’s company and comfort was enough for him.

June gradually learned about what had changed about Jinhwan; like that he didn’t need to sleep. He learned about that by accident when he woke up and found Jinhwan reading a book beside him. In fact, he had finished two or three books in the duration of that night. He was amazed, but couldn’t help but find it strange.

Jinhwan are with him at dinner now, which was one of the more pleasant changes. He said that he learned to cook despite not being able to taste it himself. June tried not to ask about his diet until both of them were ready for that heavy topic. The food he cooked was a huge upgrade, though, which also surprised him.

-

June went down and dragged his black garbage bag with him. Surprisingly, there weren’t many instances where he had personally seen people do this. For some odd reason, he felt totally out of place and tried to act as natural as possible. It was a little difficult as he passed several bystanders on his way out of the building itself, but he had to trust that he wasn’t going to see them again. 

Besides the act itself, he wasn’t fully dressed properly. Pajamas was an odd habit that he quickly grew out of after Jinhwan had left, so one way or another, he found himself in shorts and a thin shirt more often than not.

It didn’t occur to him that he had no proper way to throw this garbage. There were only a few dumpsters available and he wasn’t too fond of actually opening the dirty and heavy lids only to sling his bag over and potentially break it. 

As he went further down the alleyway he felt colder and even more alone. He could see street lamps from where he was but it wasn’t very bright and he still had to struggle to see much. Unfortunately, he even stepped on something wet, which caused a shiver to run down his spine. 

There was a faint scream in the distance as soon as he threw the garbage bag at the side of the last dumpster. He froze in spot, thinking that danger was lurking. It hadn’t been really been a month since Jinhwan came back, but it had made him believe in these scary creatures. The murders that happened last year started to feel all too real, and the overthinking part of him was wondering if he was going to be a victim. 

“P-Please, let me live. Please..” June’s eyes were locked to the grittiness of the building’s blocks. He was afraid to see what he was thinking. He didn’t want to confirm what he was always dreading. “D-Don’t!” And that was the last he heard of that person. He swallowed and considered his options. If he left immediately, would the creature take him as bait? Should he be screaming for help in advance?

June slowly turned around after a good minute or two. He was expecting so many things, but at the same time, he tried to bury those thoughts away. His heart was racing at the speed of light and he wondered why he was dying of a heart attack. 

The sight he finally saw, however, was worse. It was Jinhwan feeding on, presumably, the person that was begging for their life. From the voice itself, he couldn’t make out anything. He didn’t know if he knew that person. But at this point, the shock overtook him and his brain was malfunctioning. It was dark enough for him to not really see what he had done to the person, but as Jinhwan sat up and licked his lips, he didn’t look too satisfied. “Jinhwan..” Their eyes met, and he saw the smirk of the creature


End file.
